The Secret to Networking - When You Don't Feel Like It
The Secret to Networking When You Don't Feel Like It
The quiet truth about networking
At a recent conference, I found myself scanning the room during a break — groups chatting animatedly, laughter bouncing off coffee cups, contact information being exchanged.
And there I was, standing near a table with a coffee cup, thinking, Maybe I’ll just check my phone for a minute.
That small moment was a reminder: networking doesn’t always come naturally.
Even for those of us who have attended dozens of conferences, led teams, or coached people — the initial hesitation still visits.
For some, networking feels energizing. For others, it feels like walking into a party where you don’t know anyone and have to find a reason to belong.
The good news? Networking is not a personality trait.
It’s a skill — one that can be practiced, refined, and made your own.
Why it’s hard — even for confident professionals
Let’s be honest: most people don’t wake up excited to “network.”
A 2023 Harvard Business Review survey found that over 60% of professionals describe networking as uncomfortable, and 38% associate it with “inauthentic self-promotion.”
So if your first thought at a conference is, Can I just skip this mixer? — you’re in good company.
What makes it difficult varies:
Social fatigue: After long sessions, small talk feels exhausting.
Perfection pressure: We feel we must sound impressive, polished, or “worth talking to.”
Comparison: We assume others are more connected or confident.
Lack of clarity: We don’t always know what to say or what we want from the interaction.
But at its heart, networking isn’t about collecting cards or adding LinkedIn connections.
It’s about creating tiny moments of shared humanity that may or may not grow into something more.
The shift: from transaction to intention
Before heading to #IITBayConf25, I set three intentions:
Learn from leaders shaping AI and innovation.
Reconnect with peers from the tech and leadership community.
Challenge myself to start conversations, even when I didn’t feel like it.
That third one was the hardest — but it made all the difference.
Each time I felt that wave of hesitation, I silently reminded myself:
“My purpose here is to connect.”
That simple reframing changed everything.
It turned What should I say? into What can I learn from this person?
Once I approached someone with genuine curiosity — “What drew you to this session?” — the conversation naturally found rhythm.
Intention transforms networking from a transactional exchange to an authentic connection.
Practicing confidence before the moment
There’s a myth that confident people are naturally good at networking.
In reality, confidence grows from preparation, not personality.
Here’s what I’ve learned (and practiced) over time:
1. Script your first line.
It doesn’t have to be clever — just comfortable.
Examples:
“This speaker had great insights—what did you think?”
“How did you first get involved with this event?”
“It’s my first time here—what’s been your highlight so far?”
Having two or three openers ready reduces that mental freeze when you approach someone.
2. Use the environment as a bridge.
Comment on something happening around you — the talk, food, or venue.
People respond better to context than cold introductions.
3. Set a gentle goal.
Instead of “I’ll meet 20 people,” try “I’ll have three meaningful conversations.”
Depth over volume always wins.
4. Rehearse connection, not performance.
Before the event, visualize yourself chatting easily, smiling, and listening.
Our brain responds to rehearsal — it’s a confidence loop.
A lesson from social capital research
Sociologist Mark Granovetter’s classic research, The Strength of Weak Ties, showed that many opportunities come not from close friends, but from casual acquaintances — those we meet at events, conferences, or through others.
Why?
Because these “weak ties” bridge different networks and bring new information, perspectives, and chances to collaborate.
In other words:
Every person you meet is a doorway to a world you don’t yet know exists.
That mindset makes networking less about self-promotion and more about exploration.
Introverts, extroverts, and everyone in between
I often hear: “But I’m an introvert, so I’m bad at networking.”
That’s not true.
Introverts tend to be excellent listeners and remember details — both of which make them memorable conversationalists.
The key is energy management.
Extroverts draw energy from interaction.
Introverts spend energy on it — and need to recharge after.
If you identify as introverted:
Arrive early. Smaller crowds make it easier to start conversations.
Take breaks. A quick walk or a quiet corner helps reset your energy.
Follow up later. A thoughtful message or note can deepen a connection without being “on.”
Networking isn’t about being loud — it’s about being present.
The small wins that build confidence
By the end of the conference, I had connected with people I might never have met otherwise: researchers, entrepreneurs, mentors, and fellow learners.
Looking back, none of those connections started with a grand opening or a perfectly timed introduction. They began with:
“Hi, I’m Mamta. What did you think of that last session?”
And that’s enough.
Each small success reinforces the idea that you can do this.
It’s the same as learning a skill — repetition builds comfort.
Over time, the fear fades, replaced by anticipation.
A framework to practice intentional networking
Here’s a simple 3-step framework you can use at your next event or team gathering:
1️⃣ Prepare (Before)
Define your why: What do you hope to learn or share?
Research a few attendees or topics.
Prepare 2–3 openers that feel natural to you.
2️⃣ Participate (During)
Approach with curiosity, not agenda.
Listen more than you talk.
Notice body language — your own and others’.
Take short notes if something stands out (names, keywords, follow-ups).
3️⃣ Personalize (After)
Send a short message: “I really enjoyed our conversation about ___.”
Connect on LinkedIn with a brief reminder of where you met.
If relevant, share a link or article related to your chat.
This “3P” model — Prepare, Participate, Personalize — turns networking into a repeatable, learnable habit.
When you really don’t feel like it
There will still be days when even the thought of mingling feels draining.
On those days, remember:
🌿 You don’t have to talk to everyone.
🌿 One genuine conversation beats ten superficial ones.
🌿 You can always take a pause — and come back when ready.
Progress in networking (as in leadership) isn’t about perfection.
It’s about showing up intentionally, even when it’s uncomfortable.
From awkward moments to authentic connection
When I look at the group photo from #IITBayConf25, I see more than smiling faces.
I see the moments right before — the tiny decisions to walk over, say hello, and open a door to connection.
Those moments didn’t happen by accident.
They happened by practice.
And that’s the real “secret” to networking when you don’t feel like it:
You don’t wait for the motivation — you create it through intention.
💡 Try this: a mini reflection
After your next event or meeting, take five minutes to jot down:
One moment I felt hesitant: ______
What helped me push through: ______
One new insight or person I’m glad I connected with: ______
How I’ll follow up: ______
Over time, you’ll build your own playbook for confidence.
Final thought
Networking, at its best, is about building bridges between people and ideas.
Not every bridge will lead somewhere, but each one strengthens your capacity to connect — with others, and with yourself.
The next time you find yourself tempted to sit alone, remember:
All it takes is one small act of courage to start a conversation that might change everything.
